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Take This Job and Squeeze It/Script
girls enter the mall. One of them is a brunette in a purple top and blue jeans, while the other is a blonde in a pink top and blue skirt. Tricia: "I am so behind on my spring shopping! I do this every year." Caitlin: "Oh, I know. Pink is back in, and my closet is totally pink-poor. Good thing the mall's open early on Saturdays." two girls stop and gaze at the fountain. Tricia heaves a sigh. Tricia: "Yes. The mothership." Caitlin: "C'mon. We only have eight hours." starts to walk into the mall, but Tricia pulls her back. "What?" points at the floor. "Oh. Right. Thanks." follows Tricia down another route. A bald man walks on the path Caitlin was about to take and gets gobbed on by three boys spitting from the second floor. Stuart Goldstein: "Oh?" feels his wet head. "SECURITY!" Blond Boy: with his friends "Tell the rent-a-cop we said hi." ---- and Caitlin are choosing where to shop first. Caitlin: "So, which way are you going?" Tricia: "I've got to find those crystal-encrusted flip-flops. Hook up after lunch for manicures?" Caitlin: "Cool. Later." sighing "Ah. I'm home." ---- The opening credits play. The title of this episode is '''Take This Job and Squeeze It' ---- ''and Jonesy walk by Nice Cinnabuns. As they pass the counter, Jonesy dips his finger into the frontmost buns, grabbing some icing and licking it off of his finger. Jonesy: "Okay. I know it's just a part-time summer job, but today–" inhales deeply "–I feel like more of a man." Nikki: "Oh yeah. Nothing says maturity like the phrase, 'do you want to gargantusize that, sir?'" Jonesy: "You're missing the point. There's a big difference between working for minimum wage and begging your parents for allowance." Nikki: "Oh, forgive me if I can't see you taking responsibility for anything bigger than your locker combo." Jonesy: "It'll be worth it. See, with the chicks, it's all about the bling-bling. And the way I figure it, we'll be making two large each by the end of summer." and Nikki sit down next to Wyatt. Wyatt: "You learn everything you know from cop shows and music videos, don't you?" Jonesy: "You know it." Nikki: "You know you're gonna have to find someone dumb enough to hire you first, right?" Jonesy: back in his chair "Look at me. Do I look worried?" Nikki: "Not really. No." puts her finger on his forehead and tips him over. Jonesy: "Whoa!" Jen: at the Big Squeeze "Too bad none of you can work at the Penalty Box with me, but they never hire first-timers. I swear, it was so worth it to work here this year. Now they'll hire me for sure." Jonesy: "I thought you got that job to pay for the damage you did to the team van." Nikki: "Yeah, didn't you crash it into the equipment shed?" Jen: "Shut up! The point is, I won't have to ever wear this hideous lemon hat again." Nikki: sighing "Yeah. I'm gonna really miss making fun of you in it." Jen: "Hey, it was the only job I could get! I was under sixteen, remember?" Nikki: "Which is probably why you shouldn't have been driving the team bus?" Jen: "Ha ha. At least all of us will be working here together this summer." hears a chuckle. "Here comes my first customer on my last day!" turns to the customer. "Can I help you?" Caitlin: "A liche fruit smoothie with an energy blast and no pulp, please." Jen: annoyed "We only have what's on the menu." Caitlin: "Oh. I guess I'll have a...lemonade, then. Do you take credit cards?" Jen: "For a dollar ninety? No." pulls out a $50 bill and hands it over to Jen. Jonesy: "So that's what a fifty looks like." giggles. Jen serves Caitlin her drink. Caitlin: "Hey, do you know where Nice Cinnamon Buns is?" Nikki: Caitlin "Oh, it's just over there. Make sure you ask for one with a hole in it, they're like, sooo much better." Caitlin: "Thanks!" leaves. Jonesy: "Good one." Wyatt: "Don't I know her from somewhere?" Jen: "She goes to our school. She didn't start until grade 10, though." sighing "Now there's a girl who'll never have to work." Nikki: "Ugh, I hate her already." Jonesy: "Meow! Watch the claws, girls!" Jen: "She's so spoiled! She's like this only child, and both her parents are doctors or something." Jonesy: "Why should she work when she's rich? I wouldn't." Jen: "Speaking of not working, I can't believe you guys haven't put in your resumes yet! Stores started booking interviews last week." Nikki: "I know, I know." Jen: "We made a pact that we'd all get jobs at the mall so we could hang out together. It's the only way I'll make it through the summer." Jonesy: "What's the big deal? All you've gotta do is smile, look good, and remember–the customer is always right." Wyatt: "Do you really believe that?" Jonesy: "No." ---- mall cop is out patrolling while a blonde girl welcomes shoppers into a bustling store. Kristen: "Welcome to the Khaki Barn! Have a Khaki day!" the store, Chrissy and Kirsten are hard at work checking customers out. Caitlin is at the front of the line. Kirsten: "Isn't this girl-sized boyfriend sweater the sweetest?" Caitlin: "Oh, I know." tries to scan Caitlin's card, but it refuses to go through. Chrissy: meanly "Excuse me, your credit card's been declined." gasps. Caitlin: her off "The strip's probably just worn out. Try it again." Chrissy: "Maybe you've reached your limit." Caitlin: "Credit cards have limits?" throws the card down and snatches away Caitlin's items. Both she and Kirsten stare at the shopper angrily. ---- skates up to the lemon. He steps on the board and stops, catching it right in front of the store. Jude: "What's happening?" Jen: "It's about time you got here! Don't you take anything seriously?" Jude: "Relax, capitan! Check it out, I've got my resume done and everything. See?" holds up a mustard-stained pair of pages. Jen: "Ew. Jude. What's that goo?" Jude: "Last night's dinner. That was a good hot dog." Jen: "You guys had better get out there, or you're not going to get an interview." Wyatt: "Relax, mom, we're on it." Jonesy: "In case you haven't noticed, there's like ten thousand stores in this mall." Jude: "Actually, there's 936." friends stare at him, bemused. Jude: "I counted one day when I was bored. Can't handle this on an empty stomach." drops his board, gets on it, and pushes off from the Big Squeeze. "Be back pronto." glides off. Jen: "Fine." to the other three "But don't cry to me if you get stuck somewhere lame like the taco stand for the next year." Nikki: "Uh, things you'll see me do after I stick a rusty fork in my eye." Jonesy: "Hey, they make a mean taco." Jen: "I'm just saying. The competition for the cool stores is tough. Everyone wants to work at them." Jonesy: "Don't sweat it, stepsis." Jen: angry "Do not call me that. Our parents are not married, they're dating." phone rings. Jen picks it up. "Hello?" Coach Halder: muffled "Masterson, at two-thirty!" Jen: "Sounds good. I'll be there." hangs up. "My interview's been bumped to 2:30. Anyone want to practice their answers?" Wyatt, Nikki and Jonesy: "No." ---- Khaki Barn employees are reshelving Caitlin's attempted purchases while she talks on the phone. Caitlin: "But Daddy, I needed that new Vespa to get around. The old one had a flat tire." Caitlin's Father: muffled "~~~~." Caitlin: "Really? They can fix those?" Caitlin's Father: muffled "~~~~." Chrissy: interrupting "Excuse me, are you going to like, buy these clothes or not?" Caitlin: "Hold on." returns to her phone call. "I do so know where money comes from." Caitlin's Father: muffled "~~~~?" Caitlin: "The partners at your firm." ---- five friends are gathered around the table. Jen: "Well, I'm off to my interview. Wish me luck!" Nikki: "Like you need it. You're going to kick butt." Jen: "I know. So where's everyone gonna start?" Nikki: "Travel agencies." Jonesy: "The Gigantoplex. Free movies!" Jude: "North Shore Surf & Skate. Definitely." Wyatt: "Grind Me." Jen: "Excuse me?" Wyatt: "The coffee house. I like the clientele. They're civilized!" last comment is directed towards Jason and Joanie, who are at the moment vigorously making out. Jude: "Do you think they'll interview us today?" Wyatt: "Probably. Why?" Jude: "I dunno, dude, what if I choke?" Jen: "It's a breeze. Just be polite and honest. Employers love that. Okay?" Jude: "Polite and honest. Solid advice. I can handle that." Jonesy: "Let's do this!" ---- is still on the phone as the employees are putting her items back. Caitlin: "But Daddy, how am I supposed to pay off that bill?" the employees "No wait, don't put those back." Caitlin's Father: muffled "~~~~." Caitlin: "You want me to WHAT?!? I have to get a job?!?" Caitlin's Father: muffled "~~~~." Caitlin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" comes up behind her and chops her credit card in half. Caitlin: "My card!" subdued "Fine. I can get a job." sees Kristen fall off of a ladder while trying to put some pants back. "She's got one. How hard can it be?" walks off. Kristen: pained "I'm good." ---- is being interviewed. Coach Halder finishes scanning her resume and begins to interrogate her. Coach Halder: "So, tell me. Why do you want to work here, Masterson?" Jen: "Because I've always wanted to start my own line of snowboarding gear, and I think working here would teach me so much about the retail sports industry." cut to Wyatt's interview, where he has been asked the same question. Wyatt: "I spend most of my free time here anyway; I figure I might as well get paid for it." interview. Jonesy: "Because the Gigantoplex is a great place to pick up chicks." Nikki's. Nikki: "I need the money to go traveling." irony hits her. is being interviewed. Caitlin: "Do you guys have, like, an employee discount?" Jonesy. Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in five years?" Wyatt: worried "Five years?" Nikki: "Not working in a mall." Jonesy: "I know where I'd like to see myself tonight." Jude: "Rock climbing with some Maori dudes in New Zealand." Wyatt: "I don't know what I'm doing this weekend!" Jen: "Riding for my college snowboarding team. And competing in the Olympics." Coach Halder: "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" laughs. Caitlin: "Is that the uniform you have to wear? That color really doesn't suit me." Jonesy: "I'd be a Christmas tree." Wyatt: "I guess I'd be..." chuckling "...a maple." Jonesy: "No wait! A dandelion." Caitlin: "I'd rethink the hat, too." Jude: "I thought this was a skate shop." Jen: "I'd be an oak, because they're strong and they like to help others by providing shade from the sun." Caitlin: her phone ring "Sorry. This might be important." answers. Jonesy: "What was my biggest accomplishment? Getting to second base with Jill Anderson." Nikki: "Perfecting my mother's signature." Jude: "I once ate ten worms on a dare." Jen: "Being the youngest girl to make the varsity soccer team." Caitlin: "I'd have to say my accessories." Jude: "My worst qualities. My feet sometimes smell 'cause–" Wyatt: "I guess I don't have much patience for authority." Nikki: "The list is long and distinguished." Caitlin: "When I was seven, I used to have this really heinous orange top." Jonesy: "I don't have any! I'm a pretty great guy." ---- Nikki, Wyatt, and Jude are sitting around the table. All of them look despondent. Jonesy: the obvious "Well that sucked." arrives at the table next to theirs with a huge ice cream sundae. She sits down and looks at it sadly. ---- gang of four and Caitlin are still sitting at their tables unhappily when a joyful Jen runs up. Jen: cheerful "Guess who's the new assistant customer coach at the Penalty Box!" Nikki: "Congrats. At least one of us is employed." Jen: "You mean–none of you got jobs?" Jude: his head "That was not what I was expecting." lays his head back on the table. Jen: "How bad could it have been? It was just an interview." Wyatt: "You know the time Jonesy pantsed me in front of the whole girls' soccer team? This was worse." Jonesy: "We were applying for part-time jobs! That was like the Danish Inquisition." Wyatt: "I think you mean Spanish Inquisition." Jonesy: "What ever, dude, it sucked." Nikki: "What are my worst qualities? Like they'd hire me if I told them!" Jude: "I told them mine." Jen: surprised "For real? How many did you give them?" Jude: "Seventeen." realizing "Oh man, was I supposed to lie?" Jen: "Guys! The right answer is 'sometimes I work a litttle too hard'!" Wyatt: "Thanks! Information that would have been useful about two hours ago." man in uniform peers around the corner. Spotting the teenagers, he heads towards them. Jonesy: him "What!" rent-a-cop merely points to his eyes and then at them, signifying he's watching them, before walking off. Jonesy: "We're not doing anything wrong!" the table "Man that guy creases me." Jen: "Seriously! He's got nothing better to do than be suspicious of everyone under 30." after the cop "For your information, we work here too!" Wyatt: "Technically we don't yet. Remember?" Jen: panicking "I can't believe it. I'm gonna be stuck working here alone. Again!" Jude: "Aw man, we had our whole summer planned! Now we'll never be able to see each other!" Nikki: "This is unbelievable! Did you see the guy running Stereo Shack? Even he has a job, and he carries a lightsaber to work." Wyatt: "I can always play guitar on the subway for quarters." sniffling one table over attracts their attention. Caitlin is still there, and has started to cry. Nikki: mocking "Oh, didn't have the new ruffle skirt in your size?" Caitlin: "It just so happens that I'm applying for a job and I didn't get hired at any either." Nikki: "Guess all the positions for professional shoppers were filled." at the table snickers. Jen: softly "You're so mean." Jonesy: "We better try again, before the only job left is the taco stand." Jen: "Now I just have to find some loser to take my job." realizing "Hey! Any of you guys want it? I'll hire you on the spot!" four start walking away. "No interview!" Wyatt: smirking "We have some pride." watches as they walk away. She then hears Caitlin crying and turns in that direction. Jen: "So why are you applying for a job anyway?" Caitlin: "My dad freaked out when he got his credit card bill and now he's making me get a job. So I tried like everywhere but no one will take me." Jen: "I'm sure you'll find something." Caitlin: "No you don't understand. It was so humiliating. I can't...even...shop in those stores anymore." Jen: a tissue "That bad, huh?" Caitlin: "Mmm-hmm." her nose "I was so nervous I even knocked one manager's coffee onto his lap!" Jen: "Ooh." Caitlin "It'll be okay. You'll find a job." ---- guys are outside a store that offers kebabs. Jude: "Food on sticks? Guys, I think I've found the place I was born to work at." downhearted "But what if I choke on this interview too?" Jonesy: "Dude, stop being such a wuss and just stick to our strategy. You're selling yourself. Nothing wrong with a little embellishment." Wyatt: "You mean lying." Jonesy: "I mean making yourself sound good. They expect you to. And if you don't, you're just letting yourself down." Wyatt: "Are you sure? Jen said the way to impress an interviewer is to be honest and polite." Jonesy: "And how's that working for you so far?" Jude: over his resume "Right." Jonesy: "You're the man." Jude forward "Be the job, Jude, be the job." Wyatt "I am so proud of that kid." ---- is looking over the resumes of applicants for the position at the Big Squeeze. Jen: "No...no..." to a scary one "Ugh! No." looks over at Caitlin just in time to see the girl spill some ice cream on her blouse. Jen: herself "I know I'm gonna regret this..." Caitlin "I could hire you to work at the Big Squeeze." Caitlin: "No way!" up to the store "That's so awesome!" Jen: "Here's your uniform. You can change in here." holds out a lemon hat and an apron. Caitlin: "Uh, no. I'm not wearing that." Jen: "If you want to work here you are." Caitlin: "But I'll look like the biggest loser in the mall! No offense." silently offers the lemon hat again. Caitlin looks at it and decides to take it. She puts it on. Jen: "Perfect fit. Now we can start training." Caitlin: "Oh, I wish I could, but I am so busy. I have to meet my friend in an hour for manicures." Jen: "How are you going to pay for that manicure?" Caitlin: "Fine." puts the hat back on. "Where do I start?" Jen: "Let's get a head start on the cleanup so we can leave early." holds out a mop. Caitlin: "I thought we made juice here. Can't we like, pay someone to do this?" rolls her eyes and sighs. ---- is hard at work at the Big Squeeze while Caitlin goofs off, talking on her cell phone with a friend. Jen: "J-just a minute, sir!" Caitlin: the long line of customers "I know! That's what I said! But he was like, 'Fine. Just don't call me.' And I was like, 'So wasn't even going to.'" tries to hand her a blenderful of lemonade. "No thanks. I'm good." the phone "Right! As if. He's so not my type." Jude: Jen "Hey!" Wyatt: "Hey." Nikki: "What's up?" Jen: "So, how'd it go, guys?" Jude: "Awesome. The dude made me the manager of Stick It." Jen: "Get out! How did you do that?" Jude: "I told him I ran two shops already, and he just gave me the job! Jonesy's advice totally worked." Jonesy: "What'd I say? Always trust the Jonesmiester." Jude: "Dude!" Jonesy: "Jude." Nikki: worried "But you've never even worked in a store before! You're gonna be responsible for all that food, and all those sticks?" Jude: "...whoa. I'm in trouble, bro." Nikki: "Uh, that's bra when you're addressing a girl, remember? What about you, Romeo, get a job yet?" Jonesy: sighing "Yeah. I got a great one at that '50s joint, the Soda Hop?" Jen: "So why the long face?" Jonesy: "I got fired ten minutes later." Nikki: "Uh! Jonesy." Jonesy: "What? How was I s'posed to know the hostess was the boss' daughter?" Caitlin: "On the bright side, that's probably some kind of record." Jonesy: "Hey, yeah! You're right. I like her." Wyatt: "At least you're not in charge of the country music section at Spin This music." Jude: "But you hate country music, dude! It's like, your mortal enemy!" Wyatt: "They always stick the new guy in country. Some sort of rite of passage like hazing fraternity pledges." Nikki: "I'm sure it won't be long before something comes up in the normal music section." Wyatt: "Thanks. I needed that. Did you get a job?" Nikki: "Yes. I don't want to talk about it." Caitlin: "Your first job! Aren't you excited?" Nikki: sarcastic "I'm bursting with fruit flavor." Jen: "This is great. We can all hang out together now." walks by. Caitlin spots her and begins waving. Caitlin: "Tricia! Over here! Trish!" scans the food court, completely ignoring the lemonade stand. Caitlin: "Hello, it's me!" spots Caitlin in the store and her eyes bulge. Tricia: "Oh. No. Way." walks over. "Isn't it a little early to be shopping for Halloween costumes?" Caitlin: "No, silly, I got a job!" Tricia: "Ew. Why?" Caitlin: "I'm gonna prove to Daddy that I can make my own money. I already know how to make juice!" brings up the blender to show her. When it comes up, it hits a cup of juice, spilling it all over the crotch of Tricia's pants. Tricia gasps. Caitlin: apologetic "Oops." Tricia: "Um, I don't think we should hang out anymore, Cait?" Caitlin: "Wh-what are you talking about?" Tricia: "It's nothing personal, it's just that–you're wearing a lemon hat, Cait. And...polyester." upper lip begins to quiver. "Sorry." walks away. Caitlin: unhappy "I don't get it. She was my best friend for like, a whole year. How could she do that to me?" Wyatt: "Some friend. What kind of person judges someone by their clothes anyway?" sheepishly raises her hand. Caitlin: "Okay, but I never did it to a friend. We had so much in common." the edge of tears "Like...shopping, and...chocolate..." Jude: "There are bigger friends to fry, my friend. Let her go." Caitlin: "Thanks for trying to cheer me up." Jude: loudly "I'm starving!" normally "Anyone want tacos?" Jonesy: "Yeah, I'm in." two head off to find some munchies. ---- nerdy girl wearing a taco hat speaks into a microphone at the taco stand. Julie: "Welcome to Wonder Taco, where tacos are your hunger heroes. Can I take your order?" Jonesy: "I have an evil hunger brewing inside." Jude: "Yes. What kind of food could possibly defeat it?" Jonesy: "A bird?" Jude: "A plane?" Jude and Jonesy: "No, it's–WONDER TACOS!" copy the superhero's pose. Julie: "You know, I know you guys all make fun of me 'cause I work here." Jonesy: "What? Oh no no no, we love Wonder Taco!" Jude: "Long live Wonder Taco." Julie: disgusted "Two tacos, coming right up." Jude: into the microphone "In the name of all that is true, hurry, my good woman!" empties a dustpan on the tacos and spits on them before bringing them to her two teenage customers. Julie: "There you go, guys." as they leave "Enjoy." Jonesy: a bite "It would suck to work there, but man, they make a good taco." ---- and Jen are cleaning when Caitlin's cell phone rings. Jen: "I thought we agreed no more calls." Caitlin: "Fine. I'll tell them to call back." reaches for the phone and accidentally knocks it into the blender. While reaching down, she turns on the blender, and the spinning blades quickly destroy her phone. Jen: up "That's it! I'm so done with you! You have got to be the most irresponsible, clumsy, spoiled girl I've ever met! This grapefruit has more sense of responsibility than you! At least it knows it's supposed to get squished today! I knew I should have hired that weird goth chick!" Coach Halder: "MASTERSON!" looks over to see Coach Halder angrily staring at her. Jen: "Coach? What are you–" gulps "–doing here?" Coach Halder: "Quiet on the field! I heard your little temper tantrum. Very disappointing. I thought you were Penalty Box material! But maybe I was wrong about you!" silence descends upon the three. Suddenly, Caitlin speaks up. Caitlin: "No you weren't. Jen is the most patient person I have ever known. I've been screwing up royally all day, and she's been nothing but nice to me, even when I spilled grape juice on her shoes. Which were actually kinda cute. Jen's right. I am irresponsible, but she's helping me become more like her. You'd be lucky to have her." Coach Halder: "Eh? Alright." Jen "You've got yourself another chance. But you'd better fly straight! Got it?" Jen: saluting "Sir yes sir!" Caitlin as Halder leaves "Where did that come from?" Caitlin: "I don't know. I just didn't want you to lose your job over me." Nikki: "That was pretty decent of you." Jude: "You are gonna keep her at the Squeeze, aren't you?" Jen: "Duh!" Caitlin: excited "You're still giving me the job? I thought I was so fired." Jen: "Yeah, well, I don't think the hat would fit over that goth chick's hair. And, you're not so bad." Jonesy: "Welcome to the hood. So, what are you up to tonight?" Jen: him with a towel "No! Off, Jonesy. Bad boy." Jonesy: "All right, all right." Caitlin: "Oh, the hat is so bad! At least it'll only be for a while until I pay back my dad." Jen: "How much did you blown on his card, exactly?" Caitlin: "Um, whatever two Vespas cost. And half of a spring wardrobe. And two pairs of shoes. Oh, and a veg." Nikki: chuckling "Get used to the hat, juice girl. You're gonna be here for a while." ---- and Caitlin are cleaning the stand while the other four sit at the table. Nikki stands up. Nikki: "Ugh. Gotta go. They want me to start training today. By the way, I can't believe you actually eat at Wonder Taco. You know that girl horks in the food." Jonesy: "What, you mean in everyone's food?" Nikki: "No, only to the people she doesn't like." gags. Jude stares at the last bite of his taco, thinking, and then decides to eat it. Jen: "Where are you working, anyway?" Nikki: "Can't bear to say it out loud yet. Urf. It's too horrible." walks off. Wyatt: "Oh, I have to see this." follows Nikki. Jen: "Totally." takes off her apron and hat and closes the stand. "C'mon." Caitlin: "What are we doing?" Jen: her "You'll see." ---- is stopped outside a store and looking at it like it's the gateway to Hell. Her friends stop a few yards behind her. Nikki slowly approaches the store. Nikki's Thoughts: Traveling money traveling money traveling money traveling money... Chrissy: up "Welcome to the Khaki Barn team!" Kristen and Kirsten: "Welcome to the Khaki Barn team!" snickers. The rest of the gang grins with schadenfreude. Jonesy: "No way." Jen: "I don't believe it." The Clones: their items "Welcome to the Khaki Barn team!" trio lead Nikki into the store. Nikki: annoyed "This is going to be a llooooong summer." Category:Season 1